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Saturday, August 16, 2008

i noe i may sound selfish saying all that i'm going to say
but its how i rilly feel
if ur not in the mood for emoish stuff
then i suggest u skip this post
i hav a lot of things i want to tok to sum1 about
but i cant say anything bout it
as no one actually noes anything bout it
its a secret i've kept to myself since p4
n its sth i can nvr forgive a person for
i've kept this big hatred in me for 3yrs
u might think that its not a long time
but its sth big
sth so big
it changed my life
4ever
i keep wanting to sabotage it
but haven come up wif a plan yet
but part of me is not willing to
n that is juz a bery little part
dun even noe y i listen to it
i hate myself sumtimes
but i hate that person more for not even FUCKIN TELLIN ME BOUT IT FIRST
ITS LYK I FREAKING HAV NO FEELINGS LYKDAT
U THINK I WILL FUCKING DO EVRYTHING U SAY
I WILL NOT
N NVR WILL
U PISS ME OFF SO MUCH
THAT I HAV NO IDEA WAT WILL HAPPEN TO ANYONE IF I LOSE MY HEAD
I MIGHT FUCKING KILL ANYONE I SEE OR GOODNESS NOES WAT HAPPEN
U TREAT ME LYK I'M TEN ALTHOUGH IT IS TRUE AT THAT TIME
BUT DID IT EVER OCCUR TO U THAT I MIGHT HATE U FOR LIFE??
JUZ BECUZ I'M 10
DOES THAT MEAN I HAV NO FEELINGS N THOTS OF MY OWN??
I'M NOT A KID
I HAV MY OWN EMOTIONS
U CANNOT JUZ DO WATEVA FUCKING PLEASE U
N DUN GIVE A DAMN BOUT MINE
i wonder why i didnt even stand up for myself n continuing hating u
sure
i tore lots of tissue paper
lyk 20 boxes
n scream at everyone
i mess alot of things up
but was it ebough for me to get out my freaking feelings??
no
the fucking ans is no
i cant stand it
its been bottled up in me for so many yrs
n yet i still have not broken down
do u fucking noe that that is one part of me that is sore
i've nvr tok bout it
i lie to evryone i noe that everything was wat i wanted it to be
do u hav any idea bout that??
i cant bear to tell the truth
cuz i pretend n lie to myself that it is not true
it has not happen
but deep inside
i noe it has
n it nvr change
do u noe how happy i m when u quarrel
u nvr ask me for my views on the fucking subject
that is the main reason i fucking hate u
yet i cant show it
but if u had ask me bout my views
i might not hav hated u as much
but its useless
cuz i noe u will still go ahead n do it
all i can do now is to think bout this to my freaking lone self
but nvr to anyone
do u noe how much it hurts
to be unable to express urself??
for everything to be bottled up in me??
hav u ever wondered wat will happen to me overtime??
i might juz explode
everyday
i try to wear a smile on my face
i luff lyk i'm so happy
but does anyone noe tat deep inside me i'm all sore??
i bet no one does
everything i do is on the surface
nth from the heart shows
cuz its not possible
i trust no one enough to tell them
n its alsobecuz i lie all the time to myself that everuthing u all do is natural
its the normal things ppl do
but i cant bring myself to face it
that evrything has changed
none of u understands it
its juz sth ppl rejoice in yet all i cant do on the surface is smile n pretend that its so fucking hilarious that i think its worth luffing bout
but inside me
i'm tearing
so badly i think i'm flooded
with tears
i feel so alone
n tired
from all these lies n tears
but thats nth i can do bout it
to u i'm lyk all shallow n vain
but has it ever occured to u that all these is juz a coverup??
every little thing that u think is fun to disturb ppl bout
actually hurts more than an arrow thru the heart??
i can nvr show my true self in front of others
do u noe i cry evry nite b4 i sleep for more than 6 months continuously??
when i think bout it now i'll still cry??
no matter how much i force my self to??
its still as sore as a wound that was juz torn open after it was torn open
it has nvr healed
n i doubt it ever will
i've nvr dared to open up to anyone as no body rilly gets me
sure
my friends keep me happy at times n i lurve them to death
but no one truely undertands me
wateva i do
u ppl will juz be lyk ''ur weird''
no one actually goes '' i get wat u mean''
if i tell u ppl i see heartshapes in everything i see
wat will be ur reaction??
disbelieve??
confusion??
think that i've gone crazy??
or simply put it aside n ignore me??
wat if i tell u that a tree looks emo??
will u understand wat i rilly feel??
or will u juz luff??
do u actually noe that i dun mean the tree literally??
but sth deep inside the tree that i see??
u all will think its weird
wateva i say dun make sense
but no one actually bother to try n understand
i tell u ppl
that i believe in love
i believe in true love
i believe that we can hav one true love n nvr hav another
i believe in love at first sight
i believe in eternal love
i believe in love wholeheartedly
but ppl tell me that i'm naive
but i believe that ppl hav the rites to believe in wat they believe
y do u keep telling me that love does not exist??
i believe love exist
so wat??
i believe we can love one person n nvr be strayed
i believe that we can love one person for eternity
i ask u,
how many ppl u noe understands wat i'm saying now
how many ppl u noe actually believes in this??
how many ppl u noe hav actually experience this??
ppl think that its lame
its not true
no one is as naive as me to believe in this
but i believe that this is not naivety
but pure trust in love
sure
u might have been hurt by it b4
u might hav been told not to believe in it
yes
u might have watch too much dramas that cause u to cease to believe in it
but u cannot disagree wif this:
u hav to respect my decision to believe in it
i dun hav anything to say anymore
i'm juz so tired
emotionally

11.02

Blogged @ 8/16/2008 09:32:00 PM
n i live in it. -